Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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