His pubic hair was longer than his dick
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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