I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
