More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
