I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
