someone get that fucking seahorse.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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