Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
