yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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