I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
