life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
