I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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