Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
