ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
