please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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