I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
