there's paper in my vomit.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
