Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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