I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
