im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
