He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
