atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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