Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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