dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
