Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
