Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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