We won't sleep together?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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