can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Come on in and take your pants off
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