She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
