i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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