Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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