you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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