I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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