Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
