I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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