how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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