We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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