Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
