this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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