I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
