Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
