It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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