Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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