I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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