And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
