A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Houston, we have a squirter
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
