currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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