: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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