Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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