this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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