What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
