There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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