Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
