what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
